Santa's Elves: The Original Slaves

On Sunday night I rode down to San Diego with my parents to celebrate Chanukah with my extended family. As we turned onto their street, we noticed what I called "Santa's playground" at the end of the street. You know what I'm talking about - the massively decorated house where it looks like Target threw up fake snow, lights and animals all over the lawn. Icicle lights adorned every available surface and signposts and utility poles had been wrapped in red ribbon. Apparently the neighborhood was hoping to be one of those places that people clog with traffic to see the lights. But that's another rant. I digress.

My parents started discussing that Santa's elves were really slaves in disguise. Now I've heard many libelous remarks against Santa, and I have to admit that I'm not really a fan of the whole myth, HOWEVER, I'm not sure I want to call his wee ones slaves.

So I queried the internet and found the following:

"Uses midgets as slave labor" in the "Proof that Santa is Evil" category.

Santa is further defiled in a strongly worded essay found The Santa Claus Controversy.

Unfortunately, because Santa Claus has brainwashed so many people into believing that he is a good honest person, this stance will be a difficult one to take. In reality, Santa Claus is a prejudice pedophile, bent on world domination. He sets a bad example the world over and promotes consumerism, communism, and obesity. Not only that, but his treatment of Mrs. Claus is atrocious. That the feminist movement has never taken this issue up to the North Pole, in itself, is a startling realization that the American people are extremely ignorant upon this important subject.

On my internship at Santa's workshop, I found many startling atrocities developing inside Santa's little "fun house." Santa Claus uses slave labor in order to manufacture his toys. His little elves are all made to work day in and day out without any pay except for Mrs. Claus' cookies. Because these little elves are less fortunate than you or I they have no idea that slavery has been outlawed, and that if they worked at UPS (now that the strike is over), they could get close to ten dollars an hour plus benefits, wear a much better uniform, minus the pointy little shoes, and get to drive around that nifty little truck with no doors.

Another irate columnist calls Santa something even worse: a modern CEO.

Santa Claus cares not for human rights, employing slave labor in foreign regions (North Pole) with slack labor laws. Little people (elves) work unfair hours for unfair pay manufacturing cheap plastic toys.

Santa Claus’ profits see no one but Santa himself. While the elves slave away in North Pole sweatshops, Santa enjoys his lavish lifestyle — two-color wool suits and top-of-the-line sleighs.

Santa Claus does not stay faithful to his wife. Just so happens I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Underneath the mistletoe last night, as a matter of fact.

Wow this Santa elf-slave business is a lot more serious than I thought. We're gonna need to get Bush to issue an Elf-Emancipation Proclamation. I mean, he pardons a damn turkey every year. Where is the love for the elves?