Tuesday, August 08, 2006

An Open Letter to Northwest Airlines (and the general public):

The Bride and Me
Originally uploaded by littledevilworks.
Ahhhh Northwest Airlines. You tried to screw up my vacation and you very nearly succeeded. But you have been foiled again. And I believe I will have the last laugh when you go bankrupt due to your own incompetence.

Let me tell you the story of my travels, and how you hindered them in every way possible.

It all began last Friday, when my fiance and I set out to the midwest to attend my best friend's wedding reception. The weather was cooperating (for a change). We took off early evening from LAX and were immediate bombarded with bad smells. Like, oh I don't know, the dog you let on the plane behind us. This was a dog in serious need of a bath and a bag of breath mints. How come I have to pay for my peanuts (or trail mix, or carb-loaded snack box), but the mutt can sit behind me and stink to high heaven for free?

I would also like to offer the rotund African American gentleman you hired as part of your crew some advice. It is not necessary to wander up and down the aisles saying "Garbage, Garbage, Garbage, Garbage" or "Water, Water, Water, Water, Water" repeatedly. One simple announcement that he is coming through to collect the garbage or deliver water or whatnot would suffice.

Lacy Sock in Progress
Originally uploaded by littledevilworks.
Once we landed, you were kind enough to keep us on the stuffy plane for 10 minutes after you dropped the stairs. Just a note - holding people in a cramped puddle jumper for 10-15 minutes for no apparent reason and with no air makes them cranky. Welcome to Iowa, my dear customers. (Apparently we are no longer passengers, we are CUSTOMERS.)

But even after all that drama, the weekend commenced and a good time was had by all. The reception was lovely, out in a park on a lake, with tons of good food and company. We also spent the night with the bride and groom and her family, eating pizza and chocolate cake, catching up on old times, watching them open presents, and enjoying the cool early morning thunderstorms that I so miss from when I lived in the Midwest.

But oh the fun you had in store for us on the way home....

We arrived at the airport midday Sunday to catch our puddle jumper back to Minneapolis and then our bigger flight home. I passed the time in both airports by kicking off a new project - lacy socks. Thanks in no small part to your wait times I got plenty done. Again - you tried to piss me off, but I trumped you. I got to knit!

Trouble started brewing close to 5pm, when our flight was scheduled to depart Minneapolis for home. You announced numerous gate changes, and then told us that our flight was overbooked by 7 and that you would need to bump us. You offered us in exchange 2 free tickets on Northwest, a night in a hotel, and some meal coupons. We were placated, and even hopeful at our good fortune.

However, the Days Inn in West Bloomington MN is not my idea of a good time. Picture a dilapidated hotel, just short of being rat infested, that smells like chlorine and 3 day old spaghetti. Oh and throw in a nasty shuttle driver who didn't pick us up for over an hour, and you've again proven that your amends were not worthy.

The Spam Museum
Originally uploaded by littledevilworks.
Yes my dear Northwest, you tried to spoil the eve of my second year anniversary with my love by sticking us in a dump. However, we prevailed. We found a good meal, complete with liquor, and spent the evening cuddling and ignoring the squalor in which we were dwelling. And though we did not get a chance to go visit, we saw the Amazing But True Tales of the SPAM MUSEUM. Ahhh Minnesota had the best to offer us.

But then Northwest you showed your vast incompetence again. We arrived at the airport in the wee hours of Monday morning to catch our 7:45 flight only to be told that you cancelled our tickets because we had not checked in. Funny you should mention that since YOUR AGENT GAVE US BOARDING PASSES NOT 12 HOURS EARLIER. And then you tried to make up for it by seating us both in middle seats 20 rows apart. You really are the weakest link. Shame on you.

LA Fog
Originally uploaded by littledevilworks.
And yet, when we finally returned home, we found a magical land of fog beneath us. My beloved Los Angeles welcomed us home.

You Northwest, you tried and you failed. I now know that I will never ride YOUR friendly skies again. And by the way - those "free" tickets that you gave us - those are a crock of shit. If you can't use them any time you want to fly (holidays, January, odd Thursdays) then they're pretty much worthless. Why don't you just greet us with a big shit-eating grin and tell us that you're going to screw us over from the outset. At least then we could respect you for your honesty.

Lacy Sock Model
Originally uploaded by littledevilworks.
The only good thing I can say from this weekend is that you gave me oodles of time (while I was waiting to bend over for you) and I put that time to good use. I like to call these my "Northwest Airlines are Abominable Citrus Sorbet Socks". And the ones below are my fiance's beloved toe socks (or geisha socks).

But you Northwest, you'll never be getting any sock lovin'. You're just not worth my time.

Wes' Toe Socks
Originally uploaded by littledevilworks.


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